Aug 21, 2014

where I belong


In this life, it is sometimes hard to find contentment and peace. We are surrounded by images of someone's perfectly dressed children on Instagram. We look on Facebook and see someone just checked in at a fabulous resort in the Caribbean. We get on Twitter and read a tweet that someone else just achieved our dream. Everywhere we look, someone else seems to have more and do it better. Even "in real life" the competition is fierce. We are inundated by advertising saying we aren't enough unless we have better skin or longer eyelashes or the right boots for fall. It makes it easy to feel on hold. We can't enjoy life and be truly at peace because we are striving for that next thing. We are rushing towards the next phase of life instead of appreciating where we are.

I know that I struggle with this. I have had many seasons that I spent looking to the next stage and hoping for the next thing. The big glaring example is our years of infertility that I spent feeling on hold as we waited for a child. I wasn't content. I wasn't at peace. I wasn't happy. I was in a desert. I have done the same thing in my graduate program as I checked the boxes of my required classes and focused on the goal of the PhD so e days at the expense of the process. I'm going to rat out poor Casey on the blog here too. I have seen him struggle with this in terms of his job and have watched him waste away Monday through Friday as he waited for the weekend, the time he could be content.

But wouldn't it be nice to be content on a Monday? To feel at peace in your darkest desert? To be present for the process instead of checking off the boxes towards the goal?

I've prayed so many times and so many ways for God to work in my heart for this. And I can honestly say that lately I have been lingering in every moment. I don't want them to end. My heart is full. Things are good. I am full of love for my husband who is my partner and my rock. He selflessly does more than his share for our family, going to work everyday and helping with dinner and bedtime and dishes every night. My heart is full of love for the twins who are at the most adorable, infuriating, fun, frustrating, loving stage. Even in the midst of a tantrum, their joy and love of life shines through. I am full of love for BabyJ who fits so perfectly into our family, like the missing piece of a puzzle we didn't know we were solving.

My cup runneth over.
I haven't felt well rested in nearly three years and don't remember the last time I slept all night (maybe Novemberish?). I want to pull my hair out as I witness yet another twin tantrum. (You haven't seen a tantrum until you've seen simultaneous falling to the ground with feet kicking and floor punching.) I am beyond stressed about finishing my dissertation this semester and what (fingers crossed!) being Dr. Cass means for my future and our family.

And yet.

And yet, these are the best times of my life. I have wanted to be a mom for years. I dreamed of staying home with our babies. I feel that I am answering God's call in my life by being home with my three boys. I feel content. I feel at peace. I feel happy. I am so close to achieving a lifelong goal of having my PhD. I am nearing the finish line. I feel content. I feel happy. I'm working on the at peace.

My Father in Heaven has so blessed me with these people and these circumstances and this time. I am so humbled that God chose me to raise Tripp. He is my spirited firecracker. He knows exactly what he wants and exactly how things should be. He is always ready to be held and snuggled and loved on. God chose me to be Davis' mom. He is my tender hearted boy. He is quick to give hugs and hand over favorite toys. He is also determined and stubborn (he had to have some of his mama right?). And God blessed me with a third little surprise who needs nothing more in the world to be held close (and never put down!). God chose this timing for us. God placed me in this timing to finish my PhD and has plans beyond what I can imagine for me.

God listened to the cries of my heart and made me mama. Even in my darkest times, He knew where my story was going. And I am so thankful because HIS STORY, this story that has me raising these three perfect creations alongside my best friend is the RIGHT STORY. God knew it was the right story for me even when I couldn't see the path. THIS is where I belong. I belong here with these boys who don't dress like Instagram models and who wear hand me down clothes (for which our budget says hallelujah!). I belong here with these boys and not jet setting on fabulous vacations. I don't need more things. I don't need more money. I don't need better skin. I don't need longer eyelashes (although I did order Younique mascara to try. I'm a sucker for marketing!). I don't need any of that.

I just need to linger. I need to linger in these moments. I need to linger in this season.


Because here is where I belong.

My boys.

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