Jun 4, 2014

my heart, conquering fear, feeding my soul [finish this]

I really thought I had clicked post this morning before the twins woke up for the day. Apparently I didn't. So, as a consolation for the post going up a few hours later than I had thought, a belly shot!

33w1d selfie at the OBs office

My heart right now is struggling.

Today I am 33 weeks 1 day pregnant. At 10:30ish in the morning during my last pregnancy, my water broke at 33w1d. I know that I am not ready to have this little boy. I know that being born at 33 weeks is not good for a baby. Babies aren't ready yet. And I have all of the nerves going into this week. I have no idea what the outcome will be and when labor will start, but I am probably going to be an emotional mess until then.

It's funny. Last pregnancy I visited with the MFM at 33w0d and everything looked fine. My cervix was long and lean. The boys looked good. And 18 hours later I was in labor. So all of the assurances in the world probably won't make me less anxious.

To add to my nerves, the cholestasis itching is back. I don't have an official diagnosis yet and maybe the labs will come back and show that I still haven't crossed that critical bile acid level of 12, but the itching isn't helping my state of mind. All of the possibilities of harm to my little boy from cholestasis are clearly running through my head. Liver damage, stillbirth, pre term labor, etc.

To add to my stress, every time I go out in public lately people keep making comments like "I bet you're ready to have that baby" and I don't know how to respond. No mother in her right mind wants to have a baby at 33 weeks! No mother in her right mind wants a premature baby. No mother in her right mind wants to watch her baby struggle in the NICU. But how do you say all of that to a total stranger who is speaking out of turn?


And a bit more lighthearted... a link up.

I conquer fear … by freaking out, talking about it, and then eventually praying. The prayer should really come first. I know this. But, well, I do the best I can! My fears are more of the public anxiety and awkwardness variety. (Physical fears of wasps and heights and death are a whole different story - heck, I don't plan to skydive or rappel or anything else life threatening anytime soon. I prefer to call that self preservation not fear!) My favorite bible verse is about fear (and funny enough I shared it last week in the post about feeling anxious!). I find it so comforting to know that God is always walking along side me! Disclosure: I "conquer" fears of things that are completely out of my control by burying my head in the sand, refusing to talk about it, and eventually praying about it. I don't always freak out.

I follow my heart … anytime I know what it is saying. I am typically a very rational person controlled by logic and reasoning. But for some reason I can't ignore the call of my heart and when I know where I am being called, I go. My problem is my thoughtful, logical head speaks pretty loudly and I don't always slow down enough to know what my heart is saying.

I feed my soul … through my morning time with God. I used to wake up, make a cup of tea and sit in the sunroom with my devotional, my tea, and God. It was an amazing way to start the day. Lately, I have been doing my devotional right from bed without the tea. I'm not sure it's quite as fulfilling. I'm not sure I get as much out of the devotional laying in bed to do it. But, I am so incredibly exhausted that getting up out of bed seems like a tall order. I know that I need that 20 minutes in the morning to sit and talk to God, ponder my day, read scripture, do a devotional, or some days to just Be Still. I also find that time with those I love is a fuel I need. I need the connection and the time together.

I used to worry about my image but then I … just stopped. I have matured and gained confidence over the years. I think that as I've gotten older I've come to accept that not everyone will like me. My personality won't mesh with everyone and that's okay. I'm good in social situations and can make small talk and handle my own at this point in life. I still really struggle to convert those acquaintances into friends though. I need to develop the confidence and self-assurance to call another mom I meet at MOPS or at a big group play date to get together. I don't have that yet, so apparently I do still somewhat worry about image!

Join in the fun and "Finish This," by finishing the above prompts and linking up your post with the hosts of this party: Nicole {Three 31} Lisa {Coastlined}, and Becky {The Java Mama}.




  1. People say all kinds of crazy things to pregnant gals! I hear comments all the time about being ready to deliver (I'm a few days behind you and look a few weeks ahead of you), and it only makes me long to be done with this process more. Of course, I don't want my baby to come this early for the reasons you give, but gosh, I long for these last few weeks to pass! I guess my misery is apparent to them, based on my size and my increasing lack of mobility! :) It hurts when they ask how many days I have left, and the appropriate answer is given in weeks. :(

    1. People do really say the weirdest things. The comments for a singleton pregnancy don't even compare to the comments from twins though! I gets lots of "I can't believe you're pregnant" and "better you than me" when I'm out with the twins so those are fun to deal with too. Luckily the boys are far too young to understand the rude judgmental comments!

    2. The comments can be hurtful, but the list of questions gets old too. Have you found out the gender? Do you have names? Is your nursery ready? No, no, and no, and they just stare at me. Luckily, a lot of people start with "is this your first?" and when I say "It's my third," it usually quiets them down - instant respect! :) At least we have that!

  2. Bless your heart and that precious unborn baby. Don't stress too much, Mama, and keep him/her cooking in your belly oven a few more weeks. Thanks for joining the link up!