When the twins were on the way, all of my nerves and jitters and fears were of the unknown. The change. Worries if I could handle it. And many of the fears were waylaid by the all consuming fear that something would go wrong and we wouldn't be bringing home a baby (let alone two) after all.
This time, my panic is over the known. My panic is because I clearly remember just how hard it is to bring a baby home.
You see, no one ever talks about just how hard it is to be a mom. It is lonely. It is overwhelming. It is isolating. It is exhausting. It steals your identity. It takes over your soul.
I remember feeling trapped. I felt suffocated. By these two perfect little people. I loved them with every fiber of my being. I knew there was nothing I wouldn't do for them. And yet. I felt so lost. I could barely remember who I was. I could barely remember my own name. I certainly couldn't tell you anything that interested me or I was passionate about. I was overwhelmed.
I had these two tiny little being that couldn't do anything for themselves. They couldn't tell me what they needed. And they needed a lot. Frequently. They couldn't be left alone. Yes, they were perfect. And I never felt more complete than when I held them, and yet.
There was a huge conflict in my life. There was the me I used to be giving way to this new me, a mommy.
This new me didn't have interests. This new me didn't have time for hobbies. This new me was consumed by pumping and nursing and diapers and spit up and laundry. This new me didn't have the brain capacity to accomplish anything else. This new me didn't have friends. I had people I used to see and be friends with. I had moms I saw occasionally at play dates. But I didn't have friends. This new me didn't have the energy for friends.
I still remember the desperation for adult contact. I still remember the isolation. I still remember the loneliness. I still remember just how hard it was to completely lose myself. I still remember being completely consumed by these two miraculous little beings. I still remember losing myself one pumping session and one diaper change at a time. It hasn't been long enough for me to have that complete mommy amnesia folks talk about!
And I have finally emerged. I have finally started figuring it out. The new mommy me isn't as different from old me as I once thought. Old me just disappeared for a while. But I'm back.
I am back to getting really good solid work done on my dissertation. I am able to find time most days (and find brain cells!) to think and write. I am blogging again. I am getting my thoughts on paper and connecting with other bloggers. I have friends again. I have slowly reconnected with some of the friends I had before the twins. I am slowly developing relationships with moms from play groups and from MOPS (although I have a long way to go!).
And here I am about to embark on this again.
And the only thing I have to keep this panic at bay: the certainty that even if I end up lonely again, even if I lose myself again, even if it is all consuming again, it WILL get better.
Just like Tripp and Davy got bigger. Just like we learned about each other. Just like we found out how to communicate. I will do it again with this new little guy.
|My big boys. 16 months old!|
Just like I started to get out of the house again (even if it was just to go sit at Sonic while they car napped during those early months). Just like I started to steal a few minutes of me time here and there. Just like I learned to merge old and new me together. I will do it again with this new little guy.
And more importantly, now I know that this mommy me is just a better version of the old me. Old me isn't lost. Old me isn't gone. Old me has just learned more about herself. Old me has found a new capacity to love. Old me has found a well of patience she never knew she had. Old me became a mom. And now I'll be a mom of three. And it will get better.
It WILL get better.
If I say it enough times the panic will go away right?
Linking up with Mommy Moments to share the trials, tribulations, joys and all the other moments we have as moms (and soon to be moms to MORE).