Jan 17, 2013

Breaking

My heart is breaking into a million tiny little pieces right now.
 
Today was discharge day.
 
Most people look forward to discharge day and arriving at home with their precious bundle(s). But, I can't be happy about leaving. My boys and my heart are staying behind in the NICU. I would give anything to be back in my room down the hall from Pip and Pop.
 
They were inside of me for 33w3d and we were always together. For the past 4 days my boys have been right down the hall where I can visit anytime and get constant updates on their progress. That's 34w0d of together. Now I feel empty. I feel helpless.
 
My body wasn't able to support them like it was supposed to. I know that I couldn't have done anything differently to stop this. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know that my body did a great thing growing two miraculous and healthy little boys. I know that they are better off in the NICU than still inside of me.
 
Pip and Pop might be small, but they are mighty little fighters. I helped them become little warriors. But, I hate that they have to fight this fight already. I want to kiss it better. But, I can't. I want to fight this fight for them. But, I can't.
 
Luckily, the hospital can. We are so blessed to be leaving them with incredible NICU nurses who just dote on them and with a very capable doctor who is taking excellent care of them. These wonderful people can do so much for Pip and Pop that I can't. The staff at Baylor McKinney is exceptional. Our boys are getting one on one loving from some of the greatest nurses I have ever met. All of our nurses so far have been compassionate, competent, experienced, and, most importantly, in love with our boys.
 
I know the boys are right where they need to be.
 
I know they are receiving the best care possible.
 
I know they are going to be okay.
 
I also know that after driving away from that hospital today, I will never be the same.
 
Of course, after becoming a mom, I'll never be the same.
 
And I have to choose to let the joy of being a new mommy to two perfect sons shape me more than the heartbreak of a few weeks in the NICU.

2 comments:

  1. I can *so* understand this: devastating to leave the hospital without your little babies (and to watch the other couples leave with their sturdy bundle of joy).
    But I hope you'll be able to eat, sleep, pump, grow stronger so you can be at their bedside every day working on growing them bigger so soon they'll be home with you and their daddy, where they belong.
    Big Hugs and congratulations. There will be so many milestones in your journey - this one is hard but actually positive in that it's a step toward your own health and recovery so you can take care of your baby boys.
    Big hugs.

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  2. (((((hugs))))) Soon this will be in the past and just a tiny blip of memory.

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