Mar 30, 2012

Talking About It

When Casey and I first decided to start trying to conceive, our attitudes shift.   When we saw little ones running around at the dog park, we look at each knowingly and smiled.  When we could see an adorable baby across the restaurant, we looked at each knowingly and smiled.  Our journey to parenthood was this wonderful private secret that only we knew.  We would see couples holding their little people and just the idea that could be us soon caused us both to melt. 

The longer the journey has gone on, the less we smile.  The less we look at each other knowingly.  It is no longer a wonderful private secret between us. 

First I had to tell my OB, then Casey had to tell a urologist, then we both had to tell the reproductive endocrinologist.  We told our bible study and asked for prayers.  Eventually I told my mom.  Slowly we started telling our closest friends.  In February Casey told his parents.  In March I opened up this journey to the whole world.  We are telling everyone.  It's on my facebook page, it's in my twitter stream, it shows up on google results. 

Their is nothing private about our desires to be parents.  We are completely open about this journey and would love to talk to you about it.  Yesterday I posted about things not to say to me (top of the list: "Just Relax") I ended with a few things to say, and the last thing I mentioned was nothing.

I regret posting that.  Last night we had dinner with friends, and at one point kids came up.  She got uncomfortable and said I've read your blog but didn't want to say anything.  Please don't feel uncomfortable talking.  I meant say nothing as in just be there and support us, not as in ignore that it is going on.  It's a pretty big elephant in the room to ignore!

This emotional roller coaster is a huge part of our lives right now.  Tonight I start another round of drugs.  They are going to make me emotional, give me hot flashes, cause extreme moodiness.  I will cry at inopportune moments.  I will gain (another) 5 lbs and none of my clothes will fit.  It isn't something to ignore.  And talking to you about it, talking about the hope that it will happen, is better than the discussions I have in my own head.  I don't know when it will happen (insert snarky comment about God's time here).  I don't know if it will happen soon.  I don't know if it will happen because I get pregnant or happen because we adopt.  I don't know what the plan is.  But I do know that I am okay talking about it.  When I talk about it with you, I talk about my hope.  When I have internal dialogue (or even conversations with Casey) we talk about things like our "10% chance," our current diagnosis, diminished ovarian reserve, decisions between IUI and IVF, will we use ICSI.  This type of talk is all medical.  There is no emotion.  Hope has been taken out of the equation.

While it might be easier to numb ourselves to this tumultuous journey, we have chosen to openly talk about it. When we talk to you, the hope comes back.  I know that you probably don't get it.  I pray that you will never have to go through this.  I can't expect my friends or family to know what we're going through, but your support and your love mean everything to us.

Mar 29, 2012

A Second Opinion

Sometimes HOPE is the greatest gift you can receive.

"Hope -- Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope! In the end, that is God’s greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation. A belief in things not seen. A belief that there are better days ahead."

Barack Obama, speech, 2004 DNC Convention

Yesterday I saw BetterBabyDoc (hmmm that's not really any better than BabyDoc2 is it?) for the second time.

Our first appointment was last Tuesday and involved both Casey and I sitting down with him to discuss our medical history, the treatment we have received thus far, and where to go next. He didn't tell us anything we didn't already know, but he managed to give us hope. He made us question much of the bad news we received previously. He is reconsidering the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve. He thinks that I might be able to get pregnant.

On Tuesday of this week, I had blood drawn. This BabyDoc is willing to consider that my last test results might be incorrect. This BabyDoc is concerned that my lab work is not matching what my body is doing. This BabyDoc is retesting my AMH level, retesting my FSH, retesting my estrodiol, completing an antral follicle count, and doing a Clomid Challenge.

He performed the antral follicle count yesterday and what great news!

On Day 3 you would expect a healthy woman to have 10+ follicles developing. A woman with an AMH of 0.36 (my previously tested AMH number) would be expected to have 0-2 follicles. The "magic" number you want to see is 4. I had 15 follicles! 9 follicles were hanging out in my right ovary and 6 were in my left! Woohoo!!!!
I want to shout it out loud!!! Way to go little follicles!!!

I start the Clomid Challenge on Friday and go back for more testing (and hopefully some results) on Wednesday.

For now, all is right in my world. I have hope.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Romans 15:13

Struggling With What to Say

I spent HOURS writing this post the first time and it was one of my favorite posts I had written. I am not sure what happened to the content of this post (published yesterday) but now it is just a title with no content. Oh blogger!  My attempt to recreate is below:

Since "coming out of the infertility closet" over the past few months to friends and family and to all of the interwebs this past week, I have received hundreds of e-mails, facebook messages, texts, phone calls, and comments. All of your well wishes and support are really appreciated (so please keep them coming!) I am working hard to take all of the comments in the well-meaning spirit they were intended. But you should know that some of the things you say don't come across the way you mean them.

A few things not to say to me (or any other infertile myrtle you may know):

1. Just Relax.
We tried relaxing. We (obviously) started trying to conceive thinking it would happen for us any month. We enjoyed each other’s company and knew it would happen when it was supposed to happen. And then the months ticked by. And still not pregnant. At that point we stopped just relaxing and sought medical advice. It turns out we have a medically documented problem. You wouldn't tell someone with pneumonia to relax, you would advise them to seek medical attention and follow the instructions of a doctor. Relaxation is not going to magically make us parents. Telling me to "just relax" has the opposite effect -- and well-meaners who say this need to know that infertility is a medical problem with medical treatments. Relaxation isn't one of them.

 2. Get drunk.
I understand that Sally got pregnant one drunken night in college. I agree that LOTS of babies are conceived on NYE when people are drunk. BUT it isn't the drinking making people pregnant. A quick biology lesson: alcohol doesn't make people pregnant. It takes bit more action than that.

3. Go on vacation.
I don't understand this little piece of well-meaning advice. Maybe people need a more specific biology lesson. There are only a few days a month a woman can get pregnant. Conception requires ovulation. There is absolutely nothing miraculous about the Caribbean. Sitting on a beautiful (and relaxing – haha) beach doesn’t cause a woman to magically ovulate every day. If you want to test out this theory, Casey and I are accepting all-expense paid vacations to the location of your choice. We’ll see how it works for us!

4. You should just stop trying.
Mary might tell everyone she got pregnant as soon as she stopped trying. But I promise, she was still trying. Back to that basic biology lesson….

5. Have you tried.....
  • Having sex? Ohmygoodness! Why didn’t I think of that?
  • This herb? No. I’m taking the medications my doctor gives me. (although we have tried a few homeopathic solutions)
  • That medication? No. See above. I’m taking the medications from my doctor. The one who spent years in medical schools. And has a specialty in infertility.
  • Cough medicine? I don’t have a cough…. But as soon as I do I’ll take some Robitussin.
  • Using an egg? You want me to put an egg WHERE? Ugh Gross! No. Just No.
  • Whole grains? Yes. I eat no simple carbs and very few sugars. I lost weight, but didn’t get pregnant. Sadly, all of these fertility medicines have put all of that weight (plus some) right back on.
  • Acupuncture? Yes. Never again. Never again. I really dislike needles. It’s one thing to shoot myself with drugs. It’s another to sit and “just relax” for 30 minutes with needles sticking out of my forehead.
  • Massages? Yes. But if you want to say this, loudly, in front of Casey I’d appreciate it. I don’t think it will get me pregnant, but it would be nice to do that every week.
  • Chiropractor? Why?
  • Handstands? Have you met me? I don’t have that kind of coordination! And – there is NO medical evidence that holding your legs above your head does anything to aid in conception.
6. Just adopt and then it will happen.

This comment is wrong and insulting on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. Actually I do.

My best friend and MOH was adopted and the bond she has with her parents in incredible. In every way that matters, she is their daughter. That family has been bound together by God.  When a child is adopted (s)he becomes a part of a new family.  If the path God is leading us towards is adoption I have absolutely no doubt that it will be a glorious blessing.  That adopted child will be the perfect addition to our family and the perfect expression of our love.  (S)he will be loved.  Cherished. Desired.  Perfect.  To tell us that if we "just adopt" we'll get pregnant is to diminish that blessing.  It makes adoption sound like a second best option.  It isn't.  Adoption is a blessing.  It isn't a second choice.

In fact, if adoption weren't so gosh darn expensive we might be traveling that path now.  But, adoption is $30,000+.  Infertility treatments are covered by insurance and so cost a whole lot less. 

 7. It will happen in God's time.
I know that this is true.  I know that God has a plan for us.  I know His plan is greatest.  I know His plan is everything that I need.  I know that God knows what Casey and I need.  He knows the greatest desires of our hearts.  He loves us and hears our cries.  But, I don't know if God's plan includes children.  I don't know if God wants us to go forward with treatment or start saving pennies for adoption.  I don't know what God's time is.  I know these words are meant well.  I know the words are true.  But unless Gabriel appeared before you and gave you a date and a specific message for Casey and I, these words aren't comforting.  At all.

8. (My favorite) If you just enjoyed sex more...
If anyone ever says this to me, I am now prepared with a detailed answer.  I will give you more information than you ever wanted to know.  I will make up details to make sure you are uncomfortable as I am. 

So a few suggestions as to what to say:

1.  I'm praying for you.
But actually pray.  We welcome your prayers.  We believe in a God who answers prayers and who values persistence.  More voices speaking on our behalf can only be a good thing.  God is great!  God listens!  And we would love your voice added to our chorus.

2.  I love you.  I support you.
Casey and I are making medical choices that make a lot of people uncomfortable.  And the choices aren't getting easier.  You might not agree with the steps we are taking.  Please don't tell us that.  We have spent hours in prayer and reflection getting to the point we are at.  None of these decisions have come easy for us, but they are choices we have made.  We are pursuing medical intervention.  Tell us you love us.  Tell us you support us. 

3.  Nothing.
Sometimes the greatest thing you can do is be there.  There will be tears.  There will be heartache.  We will want to vent.  We might want to be distracted.  Instead of talking and offering advice, just be there for us.  Listen to us.  Hold us.  Hug us.  Love us.

Mar 28, 2012

Loving You Already

Dear Baby,

Every night I pray for you and for your health and your safety.  Every morning I pray for our family and the changes that I can't wait to experience when you come join us. 

Right now you are just a thought and the sleepless nights and constant motherly worry feels forever away.  You are my hope, my wish, my greatest prayer, and the one thing I can't have.  We have been ready for you to come to us, but you are not ready yet.  You will come in God's time, not ours, and I pray for God to prepare my heart for you at His right time.

All of this waiting has caused me to fall more and more in love with your Daddy.  Casey is a wonderful man, full of love, patience, and kindness.  I watch him on Sunday mornings when he volunteers as a Kindergarten teacher and mu heart burst thinking of what an incredible father he will be.  I can't think of you without thinking of how much I love him.  Over the years we have been together our love has grown in ways I never imagined and it overwhelms me to think how much more it will grow in a lifetime of loving. 

It amazes me how lucky I am, and I know that you will be such a blessing to our family.  Whether you come to use through pregnancy or adoption I know that you will be the perfect expression of us and our love.  You will be us - made from our true, unconditional, everlasting, mad love.  You will be our new love that will be unlike any other love I have ever known. 

Until the day you come, I will pray for you and I will love you, just as I will do every day of my life after your glorious arrival.

Loving you already,

Mar 27, 2012

Will a Yes Ever Come?

How do you know when a yes is coming? How does anyone know when to keep going and when to just let go?

I heard this question a few days ago, and have been pondering it ever since.  I think I have an answer now.

This TTC Journey (that's Trying to Conceive for all you folks who have never dealt with fertility)  has taught me a lot about faith.  I know that it is going to kick my down to the ground and beat on me even more as we continue down this path to a wee-one, but for now I can find some comfort in my God.

I have gained faith in my God.  Faith that there is something bigger than me out there and He loves me unconditionally.  I have faith that he loves my tricky ovaries that don't seem to work.  He knows every hair on my head (Luke 12:7) and every doubt and fear that sits on my heart. 

Even when I doubt my body.  I doubt my ability to ever give my husband a child or our parents a grandchild.  I doubt my own strength to continue this journey, but God has faith in me. 

I have been riding this faith/doubt roller coaster for two years.  And I still don't when and where it ends.  I don't know if it ends with pregnancy, ends with adoption, or ends with never being a parent.  But I do have faith that God will keep me going. 

I have faith in my marriage and my husband.  I have faith in a positive outlook.  I have faith in taking a pro-active approach and advocating for myself when things are difficult.  I have faith in me.  And most importantly, I have faith that God is taking this journey with me. 

Isaiah 41:10 was the first bible verse I ever memorized as a child and it has always been a favorite:
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Going to get a second opinion and meeting with Babydoc2 (sorry haven't come up with anything better yet) gave me my hope back.  It gave me peace that someday a yes will come.  Someday I will be a mom. 

Mar 26, 2012

Bring on the Wine

Today is Cycle Day 2 (again if that means nothing to you - just move on).

So what does that mean?  Am I pregnant?
No you silly goose.  Of course not.  But thanks for checking in.

Also, we need to do IVF because I'm getting tired of this game.

I promise if you keep reading I do talk (and think) about things other than infertility.  Really I'm a great person.  I do really interesting research.  I love my dissertation.  I say funny and witty things.  I get snarky.  And in my real life people's eyes NEVER glaze over while I continue to talk about how gosh darn hard it is to have a baby.  (Why did my middle school teachers all lie to me!) 

That other thing I do:
Drink copious amounts of wine. 

BabyDoc Fail -- the rest of the story

If you haven't read about my first (almost) March appointment check that our here.  This is what happened next.

I went back to see babydoc a week later, and GOOD NEWS: I do not have Fragile X Syndrome so one crisis averted!  Since I don't have that dastardly genetic condition we are free to move forward with an IUI this month and IVF in the future. 

The doctor does his normal "down there" business* and then he makes his first mistake of the day.  He spoke.  Actually, babydoc made an unforgivable comment. We will be moving on for a second opinion.

Babydoc: Have you given more thoughts to donor eggs?
Me: Casey and I talked about it and at this point we don't think it is for us. We want to try IVF at least once and if that's a bust we'll start talking about adoption.**
Babydoc: Really? You would deny your husband his right to be the biological father to your children?

And that comment dear friends of the interweb can never be unspoken.  Or (at least at this point) forgiven. Info on our first appt with Babydoc2 (hmmm might need a better name) coming soon. 

It's been two and a half weeks since that comment and I'm angrier about it now than I was that day.

* This involves me lying on a table and him playing with a wand and is about as fun as it sounds. In fact this wand is down right uncomfortable. I mean really, I'm not that kind of girl. A gentleman would at least take a girl to dinner first. Okay no dinner. A drink maybe?

** At least for right now donor eggs are off the table.  No judgement if we change our minds later.

Mar 25, 2012

BabyDoctor Fail

My Life in March* has been one giant cryfest.  Emotional is really not the word.

After realizing the previous IUI was a bust, I went in for my "Day 2" appointment (if the day 2 reference doesn't make sense to you, just move on -- I need to ease into this oversharing with the interwebs bit).  Before the appointment Casey and I spent hours and hours and hours prayerfully considering IVF and if that was an option we were willing to try.  We finally decided that we wanted to at least try it once and see what we could learn from it about my body and how my ovaries are doing.

Blood work was telling us that my 27 year old ovaries were actually old, greying, and wrinkled.  For a girl who has decided she isn't ever turning 30 hearing my ovaries are already 40 is quite the blow.  I needed to see these little follicles with their walkers and grey hair for myself and the only way to do that is to let them do the extraction which is the first part of IVF.

With that decision out of the way I show up to my appointment armed with my questions about the drugs, the shots, the side effects, the timeline, etc.  Before I get to my second question babydoc starts talking:

Babydoc:  I'm sure you do have questions and I'm guessing you have three.  The first is probably will I get pregnant?  My answer is maybe.  I would put your chances at getting pregnant with IVF somewhere below 10%.  Well 10% is probably optimistic,. Realistically, your chance of ever getting pregnant, even with all of our interventions, is at most 5%. No matter how bad things seem, I have had patients who have given up because it looked hopeless and then come back a few months to show me their pregnant bellies.  It is certainly possible you'll get pregnant.
Me: *thinking: that wasn't exactly my question or even a helpful answer to his made up question.  Why do I care that some so-and-so got pregnant?  Is that me?  Is that going to happen to me?  Are you telling me I should stop seeing you and go home because THAT is what is going to get me the child my heart yearns for?*   Actually, I was going to ask about IVF.  I think we are ready to try it.
Babydoc: Oh well thats good.  Then that leads to you second question. I'm sure your wondering about you chances of conception with donor eggs.  I really think that....
Me: *Babydoc say what?!? What the heck are donor eggs?  Why do I need donor eggs?  Whats wrong with my eggs?*
Babydoc: (their was some stuff here that I missed as I pondered this whole donor egg thing)  And as to what I'm sure you third question is donor embryos are another really good option.
Me: *Donor embryos?!?  But Why?!?! I thought I was here to talk IVF!  We haven't ever tried just plain old ordinary IVF!*  Well babydoc that's all really interesting.  We actually aren't prepared for any of those options right now.  We were really thinking IVF seemed like a good option.
Babydoc: Oh we can't do IVF right now.  Given your AMH (recall stupid bloodwork number that implies I have old, worn-out, crusty ovaries) we need to test you for Fragile X Syndrome.  I would say their is a 25% chance you have it.  It is a genetic condition that in women manifests as diminished ovarian reserve and in boys can lead to mental retardation.  In fact, any of your male children will have a 50% chance of sever mental retardation and so I will only implant female embryos if you choose to do IVF.  Before we do IVF you need this bloodwork.  It should be back in a week and we'll talk then.  Why don't you take Clomid again this month and as long as your Fragile X test is negative you can try IUI again.  If it is positive I will put you on birth control to make sure you don't get pregnant with a male child.

At this point I am bawling** I came into this appointment excited to embark on the next step in this journey.  It took me a long time to feel comfortable with IVF and I was finally there.  But apparently I have awful genes and I am going to pass them along to my future children.  Not that I'll have future children.  I'm a numbers person and 5% is not good odds.  I'll leave the next appointment with him for another day.

* It really all started in February, but it was Leap Day and so in any normal year I could have said it all happened in March so I'm going with that.  Leap Day is weird and I am starting a one person protest of 366 days. 

** Although the brief monthly snapshots don't depict it well, crying in the REs office is totally normal.  What does he expect when he puts me on drugs designed to make me hormonal and then gives me bad news?

Mar 23, 2012

TTC: Our Journey Months 21-now

The Oversharing of My (Fertility) Life Part 2/2: (If you haven't read part one check it out here.)

Month 21 (August 2011): Try to get an appt with a reproductive endocrinologist -- we can't get in until October.  Must maintain good attitude.  Western medicine to the rescue.

Month 22: I'm not patient.  At all.  And October feels forever away.  Maybe I should put my faith in Eastern medicine instead.  I hear about someone who had success with accupuncture and go ahead and make an appointment for that.  Accupuncture = total disaster for me.  Who knew my heartrate could get that fast when I thought about dozens of needles being stuck in me?  I will continue to try Accupuncture for a few months, but I never really warm to it.

Month 23: Our first visit with an RE (that's reproductive endocronologist for those of you fortunate enough to have never seen a babymaking doctor).  Casey and I visit with him for over an hour and leave his office feeling really confident.  He tells us we will be pregnant by March.

Month 24: I spend this month learning to enjoy being a human pincushion.  I thought Accupuncture involved a lot of needles.  I was wrong.  Bloodwork multiple times a week (because it needs tested and retested on the right day of your cycle) takes  alot of needles.

Month 25: We don't have all of the bloodwork and results yet, but the baby doc puts me on Clomid this month.  Clomid is a drug that helps a woman grow and release multiple follicles (instead of the one follicle/egg your body releases naturally).  He starts me on the minimum dosage and I respond like a champ.  Three follicles!  Woohoo!  Babydoc thinks this is a good enough cycle we should try IUI.  Casey and I prayerfully consider this - is IUI a step we are ready for?!?  We decide what the heck we're going to go for it... *womp womp*  I ovulate on Christmas Day so now IUI possible for us.  But I am really excited.  I am convinced that Christmas Day, which is Jesus' birthday AND my dad's birthday, is the PERFECT conception day.  Who needed IUI anyway?  Of course I'm pregnant!

Month 26:  Big Fat Negative.  Not pregnant.  Also get really bad news from some of the bloodwork and tests.  My AMH level came back at 0.36**.  That's super low, but the doctor doesn't explain it to me so I don't know to be concerned.   I start telling my close friends we are TTC.  I decided that stabbing one of them with a fork is probably a bad idea.  We try Clomid again and this time we do IUI. Babydoc calls it a textbook cycle with 4 perfect little follicles.  He says his only concern is our high chance of twins! I'm really excited about our chances.

Month 27: Big Fat Negative.  Babydoc wants to do a test on me called an HSG.  It basically tells him if my tubes are clear.  Hallelujah  -- nothing wrong with my tubes.  Apparently chances of conception go up in the months after this test (something about dyes cleaning your tubes out -- I didn't really understand) and babydoc convinces us we should try IUI again this month even though I didn't take any drugs and so only have one follicle.  Immediately after the IUI (as in minutes) babydoc starts explaining why we should try IVF for our next cycle.  I leave his office in tears.  How can he be so sure this IUI cycle isn't going to work that he is already talking about next steps?  Why did we spend the money to even try IUI this month?

Month 28 (March 2012 -- current cycle): Not to spoil the surprise of future of furture posts but so far: Big Fat Negative. 

** Your AMH level gives an approximation of how many eggs a woman has. Ideally that number should be above 3. At least it should be above 1. Anything below 0.5 and your chances of ever conceiving are almost zero. Luckily the doctor doesn't explain any of this to us, so while I know that 0.36 isn't a good AMH number I have no idea how bad it really is.

TTC: Our Journey Months 1-20

Or Oversharing the Details of My Life Part 1/2:

Month 1 (December 2009):  This is so exciting we're going to have a baby!  This is going to be great! 
Month 2:  I can't wait to be a Mom.  Look at that cute Mom with the stroller walking.  I'm so going to be her.
Month 3:  Oh shoot -- Casey is unemployed.  How the heck will we pay for a baby?! This isn't the way we planned this! Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.
Month 4: Back on birth control we go.

Month 1 Take 2 (January 2010): We have our savings back, Casey is employed, we're in a good place.  Lets try this again.

Month 2:  Practice makes perfect.  And this baby making stuff is fun.

Month 3:  We are going to do crazy amounts of baby making this month.  And I am going to be pregnant...

Month 4:  ...but it didn't work.  I've heard that other people have success with charting.  Maybe I should try that too.

Month 5:  This isn't a big deal.  The doctor DID tell me that you shouldn't even start to be concerned until 6 months of trying.  And she doesn't normally worry until at least a year.

Month 6:  Still trying.  I've now taken to talking to myself after sex (think Finding Nemo: "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.")
Month 7:  Fertility chart fail.  I can't make heads or tails of these dots and lines.  What does a "temperature dip" look like anyway?!?

Month 8:  Have an annual checkup with my OB/GYN.  She said a year is really normal but 85% of couples get pregnant within the first year so have hope!  Many women with PCOS (which I was diagnosed with at 17) have success with Metformin and gives me a prescription for that.  She alsosuggest a diet that is low on the glycemic index as PCOS can be associated with diabetes.  No more simple carbs for me.  Now I totally understand charting and armed with that weapon plus this new diet and new prescription, I start coming up with creative Christmas gifts to give our parents announcing a new grandchild.

Month 9:  Just Keep Swimming is obviously not a good mantra.  It isn't working.  Time for a new mantra.  Enter Mikey:
Month 10:  Gosh darn it.  Getting pregnant shouldn't be this hard.  Every other teenager on TLC is having a baby.  If a 15 year old can do it why can't I?  Two facebook "friends" announce unwanted, unplanned pregnancies this month.  My facebook addiction literally dies overnight.

Month 11: If one more person asks me "When are you guys going to think about kids?" I might stab them with a fork.  Seeing family for the holidays is hard!  I did finally tell the women in my Kitchen Group at church that we were TTC.

Month 12:  We're now at a year.  This is just crazy.  How can it have been a year already?  Never a positive pregnancy test nothing.  Let's take a vacation.  We've heard you have to "Just Relax and It Will Happen."

Month 13 (It's now January 2011 for the mathematically challenged):  Vacation didn't work.  Maybe I'm not praying hard enough.  Or I'm not doing it right.  Hmmm.... there is a new women's bible study starting at church.  I should totally join that.

Month 14: I know I was naive to think we'd get pregnant quickly.  I was diagnosed with PCOS at 17, but a year?  Come on universe!  God, where are you?  Don't you hear me praying?  I think I'm doing it better now. 

Month 15:  Seriously, now that I know how many things have to work *just so* to get pregnant, I have no idea how the human race has continued.  This stuff is complicated!

Month 16: My furious googling of how to get pregnant led to some really scary results.  Let's never try that again.

Month 17:  Realize I am a total failure at this whole pregnancy business.  My husband finds me in a ball in my closet bawling.

Month 18: Fail.

Month 19: Fail. Fail. Fail.

Month 20:  See the OB again.  She does an ultrasound and a bunch of blood work.  Refers me to an RE (thats a reproductive endocronlogist or as I like to call him BabyDoc)

For the rest of my tale check our Part 2 here

Mar 22, 2012

Every Tear, Every Heartache

I was inspired to begin writing again by a post I read on someone elses blog (yes I am that person who read blogs even when I didn't have one).  Her post included this quote:
God is not only a Redeemer of our sin, but He is a Redeemer of our circumstances as well.  He will not waste a single problem, a single heartache, a single tear.  Our God is a Redeemer God, and He stands minute by minute before us, inviting us to let Him have the sorrow, to let Him have the pain, to let Him have the disappointment.  To trust Him to make something useful, something creative of every tragedy that darkens our lives.
I am grateful for all of the tears I have cried and for a God who promises to wipe each and every tear from my eyes (Revelations 21:4).  Every circumstance, every event, every place has a meaning.  He will use everything!  Every tear I have shed, every heartache, every hurt, He will use.  Even though I am disheartened by our struggle to have a child (more on our journey so far in another post), I know that God will use my experience to encourage and motivate others. 

But unless I am being open and honest about our journey, God can't use me.  So this is me, opening my heart to all you people of the interweb hoping that just one person finds hope in our journey.

Starting Again

I haven't posted to my blog since 2009, but today I was inspired to start writing again.  In the past three years I have had plenty to write about and a lot has happened, I just haven't had the motivation to actually write. 

Well, it is time to start again. 

I have renamed and reinvented my blog and will now be writing about my daily struggle to maintain my faith while coping with infertility, although I will also incorporate anything else that is going on in my life or things I want to share in the hopes of giving encouragement to others in a similar situation.