God is not only a Redeemer of our sin, but He is a Redeemer of our circumstances as well. He will not waste a single problem, a single heartache, a single tear. Our God is a Redeemer God, and He stands minute by minute before us, inviting us to let Him have the sorrow, to let Him have the pain, to let Him have the disappointment. To trust Him to make something useful, something creative of every tragedy that darkens our lives.I dedicated a post to why I was returning to blogging and said "But unless I am being open and honest about our journey, God can't use me. So this is me, opening my heart to all you people of the interweb hoping that just one person finds hope in our journey."
I have been so fortunate in the past 8 months because God did choose to use me and to speak through me. When I began opening up about our infertility journey, I was contacted by hundreds of people I have known throughout my life (seriously, multiple hundreds). Many offered support and words of encouragement. I have no doubt that your prayers are a huge part of why I am now 22 weeks pregnant (and with twins no less!). The majesty and power of prayer are incredible.
Many others were kindred spirits. It was overwhelming the number of Facebook and in real life friends I have who are silently dealing with this disease. Also incredible is the amazing network I am now plugged in with on twitter. Hearing that 1 in 8 are affected by infertility is much more meaningful when friends start coming out of the woodwork. You shared your journeys and found a permanent place in my heart. From members of our church who did IUI and IVF to college friends who aren't TTC yet but already have an infertilty diagnosis. From friends who deal with the monthly, agonizing pain of endometriosis to older women I know who struggled with multiple miscarriages before they could do genetic testing to determine the cause. Some of you supported me in ways you will never even know by sharing your journey. All of your emails, Facebook messages, texts, and cards meant so much to me. I am floored and honored that so many of you chose to open up about your journey. I want to continue to be here to support you just as your words and honesty supported me.God can do anything, you know-- far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.(Ephesians 3:20 - The Message)
Casey experienced a similar response. As he started opening up to coworkers and clients about our infertility struggles, many told him about their IVF children, adopted children, and current treatments. He has also had an amazing opportunity to minister to others fighting this daily battle.
We are both so blessed to be able to minister in this way. We are honored to be able to share because if our story helps one person, one couple, feel less alone and reconnect with their faith, it is all worth it.
So the challenge:
The best possible outcome for any infertile couple is to bring home a baby. For an infertility blogger, this means watching as your infertility blog morphs into a pregnancy blog and eventually a mommy blog.
But, the transition isn't easy.
I have been posting weekly pregnancy updates and writing about baby things and nurseries and ignoring my dear friends who are still in the trenches of infertility. Y'all are still giving yourselves injections, deciding how many treatments are too many, weighing the benefits of adoption, and worried about how you will ever be a mother. Reading weekly pregnancy updates when all you want it to be pregnant is upsetting, and I hate that i may be adding to your pain. I have no idea where the line is between allowing my own joy and happiness to shine through and being that annoying shiny person who forgot the struggle to get here in the first place. I am working to find a better balance. I know I don't have it right now.
Am I still infertile now that I'm pregnant? I think the answer is yes. My experiences and feeling haven't changed. Infertility isn't over for me. I know I'll be back fighting infertility again when we decide to try for baby three. I know my infertility journey isn't over. I know that the 2.5 years it took us to get pregnant will forever shape Casey and I as parents and as people. My infertility diagnoses also bring lifelong health problems (primarily the insulin resistance (from PCOS) and early menopause (from DOR), but others are possible as well) and I will have to face them too. I will always be an infertile woman. We will always be an infertile couple. Even pregnant, we are infertile. Even after the boys arrive, we are infertile. We may not be in the trenches right now, but we can't forget what it felt like in that foxhole.
So.... This is a blog about my life, my walk with God, and my struggles in my faith. None of that will change.
But the struggles I face will.
While I pray about where my blog goes next and how to best stay true to the purpose I believe God called me to, I know that my blog needs rebranded.
For that reason, it is time for some rebranding to happen. God has used my tears. He used me. He has put me in contact with so many if you who have been here and are still here fighting infertility. But, now, He has, in His perfect timing (which is so different than mine), chosen to put me on the path towards mommyhood.
So, I am prayerfully considering new blog names. I am trying to figure out who I am as a pregnant infertile woman. I am determining my identity and my labels. I would love your suggestions for a new blog name for Casey and I.
Bear with me.
** Leave your name suggestion in the blog comments. There may be a prize if we use te name you suggest!