Jul 24, 2012

Still Broken

I spend a lot of time each week telling Casey just how much I appreciate him. He has stepped up and taken over so much in our house and done an amazing job! He is working full time, doing all of the grocery shopping, keeping the house semi-clean, helping with laundry, etc. I need him to know what an amazing job he is doing and how lucky I am to be married to him. I need him to know what an incredible dad he is already being to Pip and Pop.

Partly, I need him to know this for his own sake. I can see how tired he is. I can see how stressed he is. I can see that all of this is taking a toll on him.

Partly, I need him to know this to assuage some of my own guilt. I am sitting at home everyday. I don't have an income. I'm not working on my dissertation. I'm not moving closer to graduation and someday having a job. I'm not taking care of our home. I'm not cooking dinner, at all. I'm not sharing the burden with Casey at all.

He tries to make me feel better by saying I am doing the most important job of all by keeping Pip and Pop safe.

This doesn't make me feel better.

In fact, it makes me feel worse.

My body didn't work as designed and I couldn't get pregnant naturally. My body made that process a long and tortuous road for us.

My body isn't working as designed again. Instead of providing a safe "home" and good "womb service" to these babies, my uterus is bleeding and potentially endangering them. Once again, my body is failing us. Once again, I am failing. I am supposed to be nurturing these babies and providing them with the best possible environment to grow and thrive.

With every cramp and every spotting episode, I have further proof that I'm not doing that. There is nothing that can be done to speed the healing from OHSS. The swelling and cysts will go away eventually, but until then I need to restrict movement, drink lots of Gatorade, eat protein, etc. Other than that, I can't do anything. There is nothing to be done to heal the hematoma (SCH). I can stay on bed rest to help it reabsorb and slow the cramping down. I know that bed rest does help. The days I cheat or over exert myself I feel much worse, the spotting increases and the cramping is worse.

Until we get a positive report from the doctor, I am inconveniencing everyone around me. From Casey who is doing both of our jobs, to my Mom who had to pick me up and drive me to my doctor appt last week. I feel helpless. I feel guilty. I feel like a failure.

I trust in God the Father who has an ultimate plan for us. I trust that He loves me, loves us. I trust that His timing is perfect. I trust in Him.

But that doesn't change the constant fear. The constant nerves. And the constant guilt.

Apparently I am not putting enough of my faith and trust in Him.

And that just makes me feel even worse.


  1. You should not feel like a failure. As your husband said, you are doing something very important right now. You are growing two babies. And while your body may be trying to sabotage it, you are doing everything humanly possibly to ensure that your children have as much as a chance as they can. Do not doubt God; he is there and he is listening. I know there are days that it doesn't feel like, but he is. He is the only one who you can put all your trust in. This moment in time that you are in is only a blip in your life's journey. In all aspect it is only a tiny moment where you have to be completely reliant on others. Do not have quilt over your situation; it is out of your control. I will be praying for you, your husband and your babies. May you have peace and understanding throughout this situation.

  2. I am so sorry you are having these feelings.... I can't possibly imagine what you are going through, but you shouldn't feel guilty for any of it. Rian said it very well. =) I will keep praying for you as I have been, and I hope you are able to get up soon, but even if you aren't, don't beat yourself up for it! The job your body is doing right now is definitely worth it! It is such a short amount of time in the long scheme of things, even if it doesn't feel like it in the present. =)

  3. Thank y'all for the sweet sweet words. I really appreciate them!