I find myself in a really uncomfortable position.
I have been really open and honest throughout this IVF journey. I have shared everything. I've gotten (mostly) very positive feedback and have been astonished by the number of women I know who are silently fighting this same battle. I've been humbled to hear from many women that my openness about my journey has been inspirational for them. Your comments, tweets, Facebook messages, emails, and texts have encouraged me and lifted me up so much. Casey and I both truly believe that your prayers are the reason we have had the success we have had so far this cycle. The amazing feedback and some of the incredible infertility and pregnancy loss stories that have been told to me in confidence make me want to continue to be open and honest here on the blog.
But (you knew there was a but right?)
I have always silently judged people who publicly announce pregnancies before the end of the first trimester. Especially girls who post a picture of their pee stick on Facebook the day they take the test. At least tell your family first! And no one wants to see your pee stick! Words will do! Miscarriage is such a real fear that I've never understood why someone would announce a pregnancy to the world before getting past that largest period of risk. One in three pregnancies end in miscarriage! The idea of retracting a pregnancy announcement and having people who don't see the retraction ask about pregnancy progress makes me feel ill.
So here I sit. On the one hand, your amazing comments and feedback leave me wanting to swallow my words and my previous pregnancy announcement stance and tell you all. On the other, I just don't know if I am strong enough to tell people about a miscarriage and have well-meaning folks making comments and asking about the then-over pregnancy.
To many of you, the fact that I am this worried about miscarriage must seem overly pessimistic and maybe even crazy, but we have truly struggled to get pregnant and because of my diagnoses I am at a much higher risk of miscarriage than the average woman. I am so excited to see the elusive second line on a pregnancy test and to get the call from the REs office telling me my beta HcG level is elevated and I am pregnant. But I am also terrified. Terrified of being pregnant but not becoming a mom.
And so, I am really struggling to announce this. I will have blood drawn on Wednesday to tell us my Beta level (learn more about beta HCG here and about doing home pregnancy tests after IVF here) and find out if I am in fact pregnant!
I have really debated not coming clean about the date of Beta so that I could have some time to process whatever information we get, good or bad. But, I can't write about the booty shots, suppositories, and invasive-all-up-in-my-business ultrasounds and not write about the results of my first Beta Test. I have been forthcoming and honest thus far, and I will continue to be.
Don't expect the post to be written on Wednesday afternoon after I get results, but sometime this week my blog will announce if I am in fact pregnant.
For now, I remain PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).