Apr 24, 2012


Yesterday was a happy day. It was Casey's birthday (happy day!). Our sweet friends gave birth to beautiful twin boys (happy day!).

But I struggled to be happy. I was happy for Casey. I was happy for our friends and their healthy babies. But I wasn't happy. It was the day I was told to take a HPT. I got a Big Fat Negative.

Apparently, this is (also) not the month.

Now I am waiting on AF to show. On CD1, I will return to the doctors office and we will start IVF.

We will join the roughly 3% of infertile couples who seek advanced treatments. We do so knowing our odds aren't great. It is unlikely I will ever be a biological mother. But, we have hope. God has led us down the path this far and He is still with us. He has our perfect child in mind. Our one last shot at a biological child starts soon, but I know if this doesn't work it is because God has the perfect baby custom made for us just waiting in someone else's womb.

Our one last shot at a biological baby... scary words to think about.


  1. Did you get a comment from me on this post? I tried to submit it but it gave me a weird message when I hit publish.

    Sarah Lane

  2. Only comment is one asking if comment showed up.

  3. Ok I'll try my best to recreate it.

    This post hurt my heart because I had 36 months of "Not" as well. I remember the worst "not" I got was the last IUI, because I knew that the only options after that were IVF and adoption. Neither option was appealing because I was sick of trying things and I was sick of failing.

    While my heart was hurt reading this post, I'm sure yours was shattered. All I can say to that is that I"m sorry and I just wish I could hug you and cry with you. Sometimes that's all I wanted... someone to share the pain with me. I remember once I told my mom about the outcome of a procedure that we thought would fix our problem, but it ended up it had failed. She replied with a gasp and then she started crying and saying "no, no, no" over and over again. It was the moment I felt most supported, because I knew she was feeling my pain just like I was.

    I will continue to pray for God to be faithful to his plan for your family. Also, I will give him thanks that he is not changing his plan just to prematurely remove a thorn that is causing you heartache. Probably, that plan involves a baby (babies?) that he is going to entrust to you to raise and love. I'm so glad he's in control and we are not. A baby's life (YOUR baby's life) hangs in the balance and depends on God following his plan. So, I'll be thankful and continue to ask him to reveal that plan and to give you peace in the meantime.

    I know I told you that you'd never hear "everything happens for a reason" from me, and this post kind of sounds like that. The reason I wrote it is because when I read your bad news, I struggled to "give thanks" as we're supposed to do in all things. Then God put it on my heart that I should be very thankful for his faithfulness. God has been faithful to me every day of my life, even on the darkest days, so I have no reason to doubt that he is being faithful in your life too. And, he's being faithful to Casey and your future children.