Today is CD2. I start taking Birth Control Pills today. Yep. You heard that right. Birth control pills. I know they serve a purpose. I know their is a reason. But my brain is struggling with taking birth control pills to help get pregnant.
Going off birth control was such a big event. We were so full of hope and excited for our future. We went back on birth control a few months later. Now that we know many of our problems are due to the premature aging of my ovaries, I wonder if going back on birth control when Casey lost his job was us not trusting God. We decided we couldn't consider a child when we didn't have income or health insurance. But maybe, we should have trusted better in God's plan for us. Regardless of the decisions we made then, now we are trusting in His plan for us and taking this next step forward. We are starting IVF!
Yesterday we received our full IVF calendar from the REs office. I haven't decided if I want to share all of the details of that yet. It is cathartic to write about my emotions as we go through this, but sharing all of the nitty gritty medical aspects seems much harder. I don't know why I wouldn't - I've been pretty shameless so far - but something is holding me back a bit (shocking given my typical oversharing!) I know that these medications and shots are going to wreak havoc on my body. I have received one consistent piece of advice from folks who have gone through IVF: invest in a pair of maternity pants because all of the swelling will make your stomach huge (as in four-five months pregnant huge). The idea that I am going to gain that much weight scares me. The idea that I am going to stick myself with a needle every day (and sometimes multiple times a day) for the next few months scares me. The idea that I have committed to being open and honest about this journey with all of you people of the interwebs scares me.
Step one in our IVF journey starts today.
This is good.