Mar 27, 2012

Will a Yes Ever Come?

How do you know when a yes is coming? How does anyone know when to keep going and when to just let go?

I heard this question a few days ago, and have been pondering it ever since.  I think I have an answer now.

This TTC Journey (that's Trying to Conceive for all you folks who have never dealt with fertility)  has taught me a lot about faith.  I know that it is going to kick my down to the ground and beat on me even more as we continue down this path to a wee-one, but for now I can find some comfort in my God.

I have gained faith in my God.  Faith that there is something bigger than me out there and He loves me unconditionally.  I have faith that he loves my tricky ovaries that don't seem to work.  He knows every hair on my head (Luke 12:7) and every doubt and fear that sits on my heart. 

Even when I doubt my body.  I doubt my ability to ever give my husband a child or our parents a grandchild.  I doubt my own strength to continue this journey, but God has faith in me. 

I have been riding this faith/doubt roller coaster for two years.  And I still don't when and where it ends.  I don't know if it ends with pregnancy, ends with adoption, or ends with never being a parent.  But I do have faith that God will keep me going. 

I have faith in my marriage and my husband.  I have faith in a positive outlook.  I have faith in taking a pro-active approach and advocating for myself when things are difficult.  I have faith in me.  And most importantly, I have faith that God is taking this journey with me. 

Isaiah 41:10 was the first bible verse I ever memorized as a child and it has always been a favorite:
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Going to get a second opinion and meeting with Babydoc2 (sorry haven't come up with anything better yet) gave me my hope back.  It gave me peace that someday a yes will come.  Someday I will be a mom. 

1 comment:

  1. Your faith is encouraging. While you have God in a healthy perspective, I have pause when reading two comments you hold about yourself:

    "I doubt my ability to ever give my husband a child or our parents a grandchild. I doubt my own strength to continue this journey, but God has faith in me."

    It's not an act of will, or a personal competence. We often attach a fault to ourselves if we don't get something accomplished we can do by force of will, but this isn't like a test you could pass if only you studied more. Even if you see this as a test of your faith - which might be a great way to look at it, since then you can see the experience as adding value rather than draining (which seems commensurate with the perspective you've adopted - it's not a test of your ability, or a reflection of your will.

    A friend who walks always in God's light (or certainly tries, and spreads his word around the country) once comforted me by reminding me that God's burden is light, and if yours is heavy, he will trade with you. [The economist in you should appreciate the paradoxical truth in this.] You seem to be taking the tack that you "will" soldier onward, but as you continue down your path, I'd recommend not keeping so much burden on your shoulders. Actualize that faith by giving some of your burden to God :)

    Best wishes!