Mar 30, 2012

Talking About It

When Casey and I first decided to start trying to conceive, our attitudes shift.   When we saw little ones running around at the dog park, we look at each knowingly and smiled.  When we could see an adorable baby across the restaurant, we looked at each knowingly and smiled.  Our journey to parenthood was this wonderful private secret that only we knew.  We would see couples holding their little people and just the idea that could be us soon caused us both to melt. 

The longer the journey has gone on, the less we smile.  The less we look at each other knowingly.  It is no longer a wonderful private secret between us. 

First I had to tell my OB, then Casey had to tell a urologist, then we both had to tell the reproductive endocrinologist.  We told our bible study and asked for prayers.  Eventually I told my mom.  Slowly we started telling our closest friends.  In February Casey told his parents.  In March I opened up this journey to the whole world.  We are telling everyone.  It's on my facebook page, it's in my twitter stream, it shows up on google results. 

Their is nothing private about our desires to be parents.  We are completely open about this journey and would love to talk to you about it.  Yesterday I posted about things not to say to me (top of the list: "Just Relax") I ended with a few things to say, and the last thing I mentioned was nothing.

I regret posting that.  Last night we had dinner with friends, and at one point kids came up.  She got uncomfortable and said I've read your blog but didn't want to say anything.  Please don't feel uncomfortable talking.  I meant say nothing as in just be there and support us, not as in ignore that it is going on.  It's a pretty big elephant in the room to ignore!

This emotional roller coaster is a huge part of our lives right now.  Tonight I start another round of drugs.  They are going to make me emotional, give me hot flashes, cause extreme moodiness.  I will cry at inopportune moments.  I will gain (another) 5 lbs and none of my clothes will fit.  It isn't something to ignore.  And talking to you about it, talking about the hope that it will happen, is better than the discussions I have in my own head.  I don't know when it will happen (insert snarky comment about God's time here).  I don't know if it will happen soon.  I don't know if it will happen because I get pregnant or happen because we adopt.  I don't know what the plan is.  But I do know that I am okay talking about it.  When I talk about it with you, I talk about my hope.  When I have internal dialogue (or even conversations with Casey) we talk about things like our "10% chance," our current diagnosis, diminished ovarian reserve, decisions between IUI and IVF, will we use ICSI.  This type of talk is all medical.  There is no emotion.  Hope has been taken out of the equation.

While it might be easier to numb ourselves to this tumultuous journey, we have chosen to openly talk about it. When we talk to you, the hope comes back.  I know that you probably don't get it.  I pray that you will never have to go through this.  I can't expect my friends or family to know what we're going through, but your support and your love mean everything to us.


  1. Hi, I am actually a friend of your best friend Liz. She told me about your blog because my husband and I have been battling infertility for 6 years. I have started at the beginning of your blog and have got this far and just wanted to say how much your words sound like what I am thinking. It means a lot to see how much everyone thinks the same things when going through the same struggles. You are such a good writer and I wish knew how to express myself on my blog as well as you. I feel as if I have failed as a woman and wife because I have not concieved yet, but also as a blogger because I have no fan base, no readers.

  2. You have certainly not failed! This is a crazy and really hard journey!!! I struggled a lot blaming myself and thinking I was a failure because I couldn't get pregnant and I have no clue how to combat those feelings, but one suggestion: hook into an infertility community. There isn't a good local support group near me, so I found "my people" on twitter and I can't even describe how much chatting with people who get it has helped me!