Dear Carlos of the PLS Check Cashing Service on Garland Road,
I don't know what you did (and honestly I don't really care) - but please please call the cops. They really want to speak to you (and in fact called MY cell phone looking for you at 3:15, 4:20, 4:45, 5:00, and 5:20 looking for you). You are in trouble mister! And not just with the cops.
No one interrupts my sleep like that without consequences. What are you doing handing out my phone number? I've gotten calls for you before and always been very sweet - but maybe now I'll start telling callers for Carlos that you're in the slammer. (hmm since that might soon be true maybe I need a more embarrasing story to tell them.....)
What's that? You say it used to be your number?
Oh no it didn't! I've had the same cell phone number since I was 12! That is 11 years I've called this number mine and I'd appreciate if you stopped handing out (especially to the police - do you know what a middle of the night call from the police does to a girl!)
So Carlos turn yourself in. Make a deal with the DA. Run and hide in Canada (actually I'd pick Cuba - no extradition treaty). Just please stop giving out my number!
Oh, and once your trouble with the law is over, you're in trouble with me for giving them my phone number so they can wake me up!
I promise you this -- if I'm ever in desperate enough financial straits to need a check cashing service - I won't use yours!